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Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

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You can't get what you unless you ask for it! "My favorite thing when I'm working with clients is when their eyes go wide with the 'ah-ha' moment that they really can have the sex life of their dreams. It's my hope that with this book, you can as well."--Stella Harris Sex is still a touchy subject despite recent sex-positive advances. We live in a culture that vilifies peopl You can't get what you unless you ask for it! "My favorite thing when I'm working with clients is when their eyes go wide with the 'ah-ha' moment that they really can have the sex life of their dreams. It's my hope that with this book, you can as well."--Stella Harris Sex is still a touchy subject despite recent sex-positive advances. We live in a culture that vilifies people who are sexually adventurous and frames our kinks as shame-inducing perversions. Many people have never been able to talk openly about sex with their partner(s). But, you can get what you want out of the bedroom--if you ask for it. Why should anyone settle for mediocre sex?! Whether addressing sexual frustration with your partner, trying out new fantasies, or negotiating the terms of a BDSM scene, Stella Harris believes that communication skills are vital to sexual fulfillment. Tongue Tied gives readers straightforward advice on how to conquer their fears, identify their needs, and feel positively empowered. Harris charmingly takes readers through all aspects of communication, from basic interpersonal skills to negotiation advice for expert-level kink play. Learn how to have fun, embrace silly moments, support your loved ones, and take personal responsibility for your desires. An incredible guide full of exercises, tools, and personal examples, Tongue Tied is a must-read for people of every experience level and relationship status.


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You can't get what you unless you ask for it! "My favorite thing when I'm working with clients is when their eyes go wide with the 'ah-ha' moment that they really can have the sex life of their dreams. It's my hope that with this book, you can as well."--Stella Harris Sex is still a touchy subject despite recent sex-positive advances. We live in a culture that vilifies peopl You can't get what you unless you ask for it! "My favorite thing when I'm working with clients is when their eyes go wide with the 'ah-ha' moment that they really can have the sex life of their dreams. It's my hope that with this book, you can as well."--Stella Harris Sex is still a touchy subject despite recent sex-positive advances. We live in a culture that vilifies people who are sexually adventurous and frames our kinks as shame-inducing perversions. Many people have never been able to talk openly about sex with their partner(s). But, you can get what you want out of the bedroom--if you ask for it. Why should anyone settle for mediocre sex?! Whether addressing sexual frustration with your partner, trying out new fantasies, or negotiating the terms of a BDSM scene, Stella Harris believes that communication skills are vital to sexual fulfillment. Tongue Tied gives readers straightforward advice on how to conquer their fears, identify their needs, and feel positively empowered. Harris charmingly takes readers through all aspects of communication, from basic interpersonal skills to negotiation advice for expert-level kink play. Learn how to have fun, embrace silly moments, support your loved ones, and take personal responsibility for your desires. An incredible guide full of exercises, tools, and personal examples, Tongue Tied is a must-read for people of every experience level and relationship status.

30 review for Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

  1. 4 out of 5

    Rachel Kramer Bussel

    I've been writing professionally about sex for 15 years, but even I sometimes have trouble talking to intimate partners about sex. In theory, it's easy, but in practice it can be more challenging, especially when the stakes feel high emotionally. Stella Harris is an excellent guide on the topic, offering practical insights and actual suggested conversation starters. She gets into the very real issues that many people face in talking about sex, whether that's fear of rejection or simply wanting t I've been writing professionally about sex for 15 years, but even I sometimes have trouble talking to intimate partners about sex. In theory, it's easy, but in practice it can be more challenging, especially when the stakes feel high emotionally. Stella Harris is an excellent guide on the topic, offering practical insights and actual suggested conversation starters. She gets into the very real issues that many people face in talking about sex, whether that's fear of rejection or simply wanting to be understood. She discusses why silly role play can be helpful, shows you you can track your arousal, and how to tackle the very common situation where only one partner in a relationship has a particular sexual fantasy. Her best tools, such as her negotiation checklist, make the act of having these discussions much easier, in addition to showing how common these struggles are. She also makes it clear that there are worse things than sexual rejection, when she writes, "I'm excited when someone says not to me, because it means if/when that person says yes to something, I can believe them." Tongue Tied was useful to me in getting over the nerves I still sometimes feel and in providing a practical road map for these conversations. I wish I'd had this book in my 20s and 30s!

  2. 5 out of 5

    Kayla Lords

    This is my second time reading Tongue-Tied and my initial impression remains the same: This is the best book I’ve ever read for learning how to communicate with a partner about sex and kink. I highly recommend this for anyone who struggles with communication in their relationships. While there are places where I wish more was said — including the chapter on kink and negotiation — I know that as a basic primer, the info given on those topics is enough to get a total newbie started. For kinksters, This is my second time reading Tongue-Tied and my initial impression remains the same: This is the best book I’ve ever read for learning how to communicate with a partner about sex and kink. I highly recommend this for anyone who struggles with communication in their relationships. While there are places where I wish more was said — including the chapter on kink and negotiation — I know that as a basic primer, the info given on those topics is enough to get a total newbie started. For kinksters, I think it would be easy to say this book doesn’t apply because it’s so basic but looking at each topic through the lens of a power exchange or kink negotiation can still be useful and helpful. And, no matter how good we think we are at communication (raises hand), we can always use a reminder of the basics that are easy to forget when we’re stressed or angry.

  3. 4 out of 5

    Holly GoLightly

    I reviewed this book which was provided for free by the publisher. However, I do not recieve any compensation for reviews. All book reviews are my personal and subjective opinion. This is cross posted from my blog If you are a human who talks to other humans, you should read this book.  Tongue Tied is a work I would have loved to read when I was younger. While seemingly aimed at sexually active couples, Tongue Tied is useful for all people, including "vanilla" single virgins. Stella Harris, the au I reviewed this book which was provided for free by the publisher. However, I do not recieve any compensation for reviews. All book reviews are my personal and subjective opinion. This is cross posted from my blog If you are a human who talks to other humans, you should read this book.  Tongue Tied is a work I would have loved to read when I was younger. While seemingly aimed at sexually active couples, Tongue Tied is useful for all people, including "vanilla" single virgins. Stella Harris, the author, covers a range of topics with an overall theme of learning how to get your needs met. Encouraging open and honest communication, Stella gives readers the agency to advocate for themselves and their needs--in and out of the bedroom. Early chapters offer basic ways to improve platonic interpersonal communications, skills of which will carry over to deeper conversations in more complicated relationships. Impressively, there are also exercises to refine your relationship with yourself, a topic most relationship books gloss over.  While reading, I could see how valuable Tongue Tied would be to teens, especially young girls, who are socialized to worry more about hurting someone's feelings than to respect their own needs. Stella gives solid advice on negotiating sex, the influence of money, and how to have difficult conversations (including breakups and rejection), which would prepare these fledglings for the dating world. Coupled with the exercises for identifying personal and cultural biases, Stella does an exemplary job of pointing out and counteracting the unhealthy behaviors that society and the media have convinced us are "normal". A favorite excerpt of mine is on saying or hearing 'no', I'm excited when someone says no to me, because it means if/when that person says yes to something, I can believe them. This sort of positive spin is refreshing to hear and shows that all communication is good, even the conversations that don't end the way one might hope. In a perfect world, Tongue Tied would be required reading as part of every Sex Ed curriculum. With the age of first sexual contact becoming increasingly lower, Tongue Tied gives readers communication tools that otherwise would only be learned after years of trial, error, and pursuit of knowledge. As I was reading, I found myself nodding on a regular basis as I recognized bits of advice that Stella was relaying, and making mental notes of where I first encountered it. Even with all of my various education, Stella still surprised, and I discovered gems of information that were new to me. I'm looking forward to reading through Tongue Tied a second time and doing the corresponding journal exercises. Tongue Tied has so much information all pooled into one place, I'm confident that it is going to be the next standard text in the BDSM community. You can buy Tongue Tied here.

  4. 5 out of 5

    Scraw

    This book is a fantastic resource for anyone who wants to have a clearer idea of what they want out of a sexual relationship and how to ask for it. It's useful for anyone ranging from longtime kink/BDSM practicioners to those with no idea what those terms mean beyond being the pornography categories with the "weird" stuff. What's even better is the confidence, assertiveness, and capacity for establishing and respecting boundaries gained by practicing clear and effective communication regarding t This book is a fantastic resource for anyone who wants to have a clearer idea of what they want out of a sexual relationship and how to ask for it. It's useful for anyone ranging from longtime kink/BDSM practicioners to those with no idea what those terms mean beyond being the pornography categories with the "weird" stuff. What's even better is the confidence, assertiveness, and capacity for establishing and respecting boundaries gained by practicing clear and effective communication regarding this tricky subject will have a positive impact on your other relationships as well. Being able to know and ask for what you want in the bedroom, where most people feel particularly poorly informed and vulnerable, makes doing so at the office or among your friends a whole lot less scary.

  5. 5 out of 5

    Kat Stark

    Stella has written a fantastic resource for those looking to improve their communication in every part of a relationship. I wish I'd had it years ago when I was first beginning to navigate sexual relationships. It's particularly helpful for those who are non-monogamous and/or kinky but you don't have to be to be able to benefit from her tips. Her knowledge and experience is very evident. Stella has written a fantastic resource for those looking to improve their communication in every part of a relationship. I wish I'd had it years ago when I was first beginning to navigate sexual relationships. It's particularly helpful for those who are non-monogamous and/or kinky but you don't have to be to be able to benefit from her tips. Her knowledge and experience is very evident.

  6. 4 out of 5

    Kelly Fitzpatrick

    This book was FANTASTIC! So much so that I'm giving it to a friend as a Christmas present AND I took photos of snippets I wanted to remember. It's helping me change the way I think about relationships and how I communicate with others. EXCELLENT READ! This book was FANTASTIC! So much so that I'm giving it to a friend as a Christmas present AND I took photos of snippets I wanted to remember. It's helping me change the way I think about relationships and how I communicate with others. EXCELLENT READ!

  7. 5 out of 5

    Kate

    Excellent resource. The author explains cohesively and clearly with plenty of examples. An easy read that I dogearred often for points to go back to. I found this to be a clear cut and genuine guide to communication in multiple forms.

  8. 4 out of 5

    tatterpunk

    more a personal 3.5

  9. 5 out of 5

    Tanya

    Excellent book about communication with helpful prompts, exercises, and real-life scenarios.

  10. 4 out of 5

    Ant

  11. 5 out of 5

    Israel E Evans

  12. 4 out of 5

    Lauren

  13. 4 out of 5

    Tamara Sullivan

  14. 4 out of 5

    Kimberly

  15. 5 out of 5

    Kate

  16. 4 out of 5

    Angel

  17. 5 out of 5

    Jennifer

  18. 5 out of 5

    kyle colmar

  19. 5 out of 5

    Mandy Herlich

  20. 5 out of 5

    Jim Poor

  21. 5 out of 5

    June Amelia Rose

  22. 4 out of 5

    Allison M

  23. 4 out of 5

    Edina Balogh

  24. 5 out of 5

    Carrie Mathison

  25. 4 out of 5

    Jacki

  26. 4 out of 5

    Beth Winegarner

  27. 4 out of 5

    Heather Palmer

  28. 5 out of 5

    Stephanie Paley

  29. 5 out of 5

    Cole

  30. 4 out of 5

    Christa

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